OPENING LINES Results from Sallyanne Sweeney
In Opening Lines, Natalie Yates gets expert advice from top literary agents to help you tune up your concept, pitch, and opening lines to create the strongest ‘hook’.
Meet Sallyanne Sweeney, a literary agent with MMBCreative. After graduating from Queens’ College, Cambridge, with an MPhil in American Literature, Sallyanne joined Watson, Little Ltd, becoming a director of the company in 2011. In 2013, Sallyanne joined Mulcahy Associates. MMBcreative was founded in 2016, bringing together Milburn Browning Associates and Mulcahy Associates. Sallyanne is growing her list of authors and illustrators for children (picture books to Young Adult) and adults - many of these have gone on to be shortlisted and to win awards. Passionate about the editorial side of agenting, Sallyanne enjoys both working with debuts and helping established authors take their careers to the next level. Her fiction tastes are wide-ranging, from the literary to the very commercial, but she is always excited by a distinctive voice, strong storytelling, and a fresh premise. She will fight to champion anything that makes her laugh or cry (preferably both).
Sallyanne very generously agreed to look at all the submissions this month and has given feedback for her top five from the pile.
Sallyanne very generously agreed to look at all the submissions this month and has given feedback for her top five from the pile.
Submission #1
TITLE
Samuel Stokes Versus the Spirit Summoners
PITCH
Harry Potter meets Artemis Fowl in this magical middle-grade adventure.
Shunned by many for his villainous ways, Samuel Stokes doesn’t aim to be bad, he’s just trying to differentiate himself from his perfect elder brother. When his brother disappears, however, and a group dedicated to protecting the unaware people of England from rampant spirits comes seeking his help, Samuel must use his own devious brand of heroics to follow in his brother's footsteps and come to London's defence.
Samuel wasn’t like his older brother. This was something people loved to point out, despite the differences being clear for all to see. At eighteen, Jacob was tall and muscular, with a quiff of sandy hair and the sort of chiselled jaw not seen since the golden age of cinema. While Samuel was small for fourteen, with a hooked nose, scraggly black hair, and a body so thin he had to hold on tight any time a breeze blustered down the Thames.
Two years had passed since Jacob had left their home in their London suburb, and still Samuel felt trapped in the perfectly-formed shadow of his perfectly-formed brother. Their father seemed unable to look at Samuel without sighing at the comparison to his eldest son, and the only time Samuel’s classmates dared to speak with him was when they stopped to ask how their ‘best friend’ Jacob was faring in the big city.
‘Why can’t you be more like Jacob?’ Samuel’s teachers were fond of saying, usually after he’d failed to hand in his homework for the third week running, and Samuel would just shrug because no-one could be quite like Jacob – least of all Samuel.
Jacob was everything Samuel was not: thoughtful and kind; idealistic and optimistic; forthright and brave. He led by example; a shining beacon of hope in a corrupt world… Jacob, it was fair to assume, had never slid snakelike across a library floor, his teeth clenched in a wicked little grin, and his mind filled with thoughts of revenge.
‘I’d always hoped that dawn didn’t really exist,’ said Alex Weston, yawning as he watched the night-time jungle take on an orange glow. ‘By rights it should just be a grim fairy tale. Teenagers shouldn’t suffer the stress of being up before 10 a.m.’
A small cream and brown hamster poked his nose above the edge of Alex's shirt pocket. ‘Get over it. Luke’s fifteen and does it all the time.’
‘Habit,’ replied the tall, tabby-haired boy walking next to Alex. ‘Dawn’s cool in the jungle. Literally.’
Shunned by many for his villainous ways, Samuel Stokes doesn’t aim to be bad, he’s just trying to differentiate himself from his perfect elder brother. When his brother disappears, however, and a group dedicated to protecting the unaware people of England from rampant spirits comes seeking his help, Samuel must use his own devious brand of heroics to follow in his brother's footsteps and come to London's defence.
OPENING LINES
Two years had passed since Jacob had left their home in their London suburb, and still Samuel felt trapped in the perfectly-formed shadow of his perfectly-formed brother. Their father seemed unable to look at Samuel without sighing at the comparison to his eldest son, and the only time Samuel’s classmates dared to speak with him was when they stopped to ask how their ‘best friend’ Jacob was faring in the big city.
‘Why can’t you be more like Jacob?’ Samuel’s teachers were fond of saying, usually after he’d failed to hand in his homework for the third week running, and Samuel would just shrug because no-one could be quite like Jacob – least of all Samuel.
Jacob was everything Samuel was not: thoughtful and kind; idealistic and optimistic; forthright and brave. He led by example; a shining beacon of hope in a corrupt world… Jacob, it was fair to assume, had never slid snakelike across a library floor, his teeth clenched in a wicked little grin, and his mind filled with thoughts of revenge.
SALLYANNE'S FEEDBACK
A strong voice that immediately hooks you in. We get a sense of the character without too much exposition and there are some lovely descriptions here (“a body so thin he had to hold on tight any time a breeze blustered down the Thames”). Nice tension and suspense; I always look for an arresting opening and love to be surprised, and this delivered, particularly towards the end of the opening: “Jacob, it was fair to assume, had never slid snakelike across a library floor, his teeth clenched in a wicked little grin, and his mind filled with thoughts of revenge.”
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Submission #2
TITLE
The Goblin’s Curse
PITCH
A high-paced MG fantasy adventure threaded with humour.
Seeking his vanished parents, fourteen-year-old Alex Weston and his hamster, Skoodle have unwittingly crossed into a world of enchantment. On Eridor he discovers that Skoodle can speak, is funny, opinionated, a reluctant hero. Yet Alex has no magic; he relies on bravery, quick thinking and sheer cussedness as he fights to survive. He must also battle with the suspicion that a few ounces of added rodent doesn’t make him the strongest fighting force on Eridor. Alex faces the treachery of a close friend, near death in a lake-bottom fight, a monster poison-quilled guard-porcupine and a ferocious multi-headed snake. He must burgle a goblin’s funeral, save a friend’s family from annihilation and prove his loyalty to the limit. The stakes rise rapidly until ultimately his life is at stake, as well as those of his closest friends.
OPENING LINES
A small cream and brown hamster poked his nose above the edge of Alex's shirt pocket. ‘Get over it. Luke’s fifteen and does it all the time.’
‘Habit,’ replied the tall, tabby-haired boy walking next to Alex. ‘Dawn’s cool in the jungle. Literally.’
SALLYANNE'S FEEDBACK
Excellent set up here and a lovely confidence in the writing. Alex’s voice was strong and I loved the surprise of the hamster chiming in, and particularly, his sarky “Get over it.” We get a good sense of the tone and humour from the outset, as well as the relationship dynamic between the trio, and it made me want to read on.
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Submission #3
TITLE
Red Fox Hiding
PITCH
OPENING LINES
MaxWednesday 24 August - in court
I know the man in the dock didn’t steal the painting because I, Max Fisher, did. He’s pale and shaking and I can’t bear to look at him. In the full courtroom, there are only a few familiar faces. That boy’s here too, Paul, the one from the art gallery. He glares at the crowd of journalists while I fight panic, knowing it’s stupid – I’m just another face in the public gallery, but I hunch down and pull my hood over my face, just in case.
Zora squeezes my hand, ‘If I hadn’t…’
I shush her, it’s not her fault, but I’m trying not to be angry. It’s different for her, all her family is safe, sitting in the row behind us.
SALLYANNE'S FEEDBACK
Great opening line that immediately grabs the reader’s attention and interest: “I know the man in the dock didn’t steal the painting because I, Max Fisher, did.” Strong voice and the story gets off with a bang – so much conveyed in these first lines.
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Submission #4
TITLE
The Merewoods Witches
PITCH
But Skye's solution contains a long forgotten mind control herb, and when it's stolen by a rogue witch, Madame Genevieve, Skye must act fast before Madame uses it in a bid for power.
OPENING LINES
There was an almighty shriek from indoors, followed by a crash. Everard and I gaped at each other.‘It weren’t me,’ claimed my five-year-old brother from his spot on the garden step.
It was his standard answer to most things, but as I was cleaning him up from his latest adventure with a cow-pat, this time it was probably true.
‘Skye!’ Thirteen-year-old Cee-cee stuck her head around the kitchen door. ‘You’re wanted.’
SALLYANNE'S FEEDBACK
Striking voice and strong opening – I enjoyed the sense of these two characters (particularly the 5-year-old brother’s “It weren’t me”) and there’s nice suspense at the end, as Skye is told “you’re wanted”.
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Submission #5
TITLE
Star Quest Academy
PITCH
OPENING LINES
Tamsyn’s foster-dad, Mr Belcher, was a shiver looking for a spine to run up. He had his usual tight grasp on her elbow and, no matter how much she wrestled, she couldn’t break free. The cacophony of howls from the caged animals, grated Tamsyn’s nerves as she was buffeted by the crowd behind an armed police cordon. She yanked her arm but the grip held firm. No way would she stand by while her best friend was in danger.
SALLYANNE'S FEEDBACK
I loved the description in the opening line: “Tamsyn’s foster-dad, Mr Belcher, was a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Look out for our next Opening Lines opportunity in May 2019!
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