OPENING LINES Results from Kesia Lupo
Chip Colquhoun gets expert advice from top literary agents and editors to help you tune up your concept and your pitch, and create the strongest "hook". This month's advice comes from freelance editor (and former Senior Editor for Chicken House) Kesia Lupo.
As promised, three entries were selected at random and forwarded to Kesia. You can read the entries and Kesia's feedback below.
Meet Kesia
If you're a children's author thinking of trusting your work to a freelance editor, you ideally want proof of their commitment, skill, and passion within the world of children's books – especially if, like Kesia, they've only been a freelance editor for a few months...
But what could be better proof of innate editing skill than breaking in as an Editorial Assistant for a Big 4 publisher? What could be better proof of commitment than rising to the level of Senior Editor for one of the UK's most groundbreaking children's publishers within a decade? And what could be better proof of passion than transitioning from there to a literary agency and, ultimately, freelance editing?
That has been Kesia's incredible journey. She joined Pan Macmillan in 2013 as an Editorial Assistant, working largely for the SFF-focussed Tor imprint. She was then nabbed by Chicken House in 2015 to start as a Junior Editor, but rose swiftly to the heights of Senior Editor by 2023.
During that time, Kesia worked closely with Costa Award-winning author Jasbinder Bilan, Sunday Times-bestselling author Pádraig Kenny, and many other talents. In 2023, though, she swapped the towers of London for the skyscrapers of San Francisco, putting her talents to play for The Bindery Agency.
Editing was clearly her first love and principle passion, though, and she set out as a freelance editor in July 2024. Further evidence of her sheer enthusiasm for supporting writers, though, can be seen in her continuing work as Social Media Manager for Writing Day Workshops, who organise conferences for aspiring writers online and across the US.
So – could there be any better proof? How about this: Kesia's also an admired YA author herself, with three titles published by Bloomsbury. Her stories are soaked in the sci-fi/fantasy and horror that she's eagerly edited since her Pan Macmillan days, but she's also shared her affection for thrillers, historical fiction, and stories revealing and/or portraying underrepresented voices.
With such obvious enthusiasm for the world of children and young people's literature, will Kesia be as enthusiastic about the first 100 words of your manuscript? You might get an idea by reading what she has to say about the entries below – but then why not contact her via her Reedsy profile to find out for yourself? You can also subscribe to Kesia's free newsletter on Substack.
Submission 1
Title: At Night, We Hide
Pitch: A seventeen-year-old with a dangerous secret must find the mole before she becomes their next victim and the entire resistance effort is compromised.
Kesia says...
I love the vibe here – the dangerous secret, the mole, and the resistance effort – however, I don’t have much sense of what kind of setting and world we are in. The wording implies possibly a wartime setting – however, whether this is the case or not, I would love the kind of world we’re in to be made explicit as it’s so helpful to be oriented in this way. After all, this kind of story could just as easily take place in a fantasy world!
Opening:
It was so much easier to steal when I worked alone. Considering the other scavengers in my team were more willing to rob me than to help me, it was better that I did. So, when that red glint sandwiched between the metal casing caught my eye, damn right I snuck a sly glance over my shoulder to make absolutely sure no one else was in the room.
Kesia says...
The opening line is really engaging and we’re instantly drawn into the character’s life and story. The second sentence, however, fell a little flatter to me – perhaps because it felt like information I wanted to ‘see’ rather than be told. I wonder about reorienting the opening slightly towards showing rather than telling – starting as you currently do, then spotting the glint of the ruby, then perhaps seeing our main character deflect the attention of others in her team? The voice in ‘damn right’ is great – we already get a sense of this character’s personality!
Submission 2
Title: Rose of Bedel
Pitch: Rose, determined to topple the corrupt Council before the unstoppable Alliance takes over, will need her estranged friends to sabotage the new energy plant. Will their bonds hold as a last-minute discovery turns their wreck-and-run mission into a heist?
Kesia says...
I’m intrigued by this pitch, which feels dystopic with its talk of corrupt councils – but I’m a little confused by the relationships between all these elements. There’s the Council, the Alliance (who I think are the baddies?) and then the new energy plant – how does that all fit in?
I wonder if all of these strands could be pulled together in a simpler way. I like the hints of the group dynamics in how Rose has to work with her estranged friends, though – and I like the closing question too!
Opening:
They say you never forget your first love.
I want to erase mine.
Permanently.
* * *
The invisible girl rounded the corner (Cardinal Rule Number Three, broken) and ran into the back of a patrol. Like, literally. She literally ran into the rear-end of the rear guardian. She would have a split second to disengage the mantle that cloaked her before the guard would turn and probably catch her materializing before his eyes. Super risky, but did she have a choice? The commotion in the market might distract from her sudden appearance… she hoped. (So long Cardinal Rule Number Five.)
Kesia says…
An action-packed opening that drops us in the middle of the action – well done! Watch out for the single-word repetition of ‘literally’ and ‘rear’ – both in close proximity, so it scans a little oddly. I love the hints of character and voice in the italicised sections, but I wonder if you could bring the action more vividly to life; at the moment I feel one-step removed. I think it’s because you have her running into the guardian but then the narrative steps back – ‘She would have a split second…’ – instead of keeping us in the moment and showing us her reaction. In addition, I wonder if we might need a bit more sense of our surroundings to help us visualize what is happening? A tricky balance, but important!
Submission 3
Title: The Polar Bear Who Woke Up The World
Pitch: Aputik’s family are starving due to climate change. When she tries to help she is swept across the Atlantic. Two children want to bring Aputik home, but she is a symbol of hope and an oil billionaire has other plans.
Kesia says…
An engaging pitch with a very child-friendly central story. I assume Aputik is the titular polar bear, but you might like to include this information in the pitch to ensure the reader is oriented. A few questions of clarity too: ‘When she tries to help’ – how does she try to help? And ‘but she is a symbol of hope and an oil billionaire has other plans’ – how are these two points related? Perhaps better to rearrange this sentence slightly: e.g. ‘but an oil billionaire sees a business opportunity in Aputik’s message of hope’?.
Opening:
In the beginning, there was only warmth, the warmth of her mother’s fur and her brother’s body and the sweet taste of warm milk.
She learnt her name Aputik, which meant snow, as well as the name of her brother Anik. Snow surrounded them in the cave where Aputik was born.
The day came when they crept out of the cave and Aputik saw light for the first time. “Look at the stars,” her mother said. When Aputik looked up she saw hundreds of tiny lights winking in the sky. The snow and her mother’s fur sparkled in the moonlight.
Kesia says...
A very vivid and beautiful opening, in which the language doesn’t feel any less engaging for its simplicity, infused with warmth and love despite the icy setting. I am being nit-picky, but the first sentence tells us ‘there was only warmth’ and then goes on to describe ‘the sweet taste of warm milk’ (which is not a kind of warmth). Possibly delete, or rearrange the sentence?
I love the vivid note on which these opening lines end – the starry night and the sparkling fur. Extremely atmospheric.
Thank you to everyone who submitted,
and a huge thank you to Kesia for her time and feedback!
Our next Opening Lines opportunity will be in February – so get preparing your submissions!
To join SCBWI and take advantage of the many opportunities like this one to be supported in the development and pursuit of your craft – and also find advice on marketing your work, meet fellow writers and artists, and much much more – visit scbwi.org
If you've received feedback from Opening Lines, how did it help you? If it led to you finding an agent or a publisher, please contact us – we'd love to hear your story.
Chip Colquhoun began storytelling for children in 2007 and was asked to write the EU’s guidance on using stories in classrooms in 2015, but became a published children’s writer in 2016 after The History Press commissioned him to write Cambridgeshire Folk Tales for Children. He’s since had 22 books published, most as part of the Fables & Fairy Tales series he co-produces with illustrator Korky Paul (published by Epic Tales), but he's most excited about his latest release for educators: All the Better to Read You With: Stories & Lessons to Inspire Reading for Pleasure. You can find Chip at storytellerchip.com.
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