OPENING LINES Results from Amber Caravéo


Opening Lines is all about how to tune up your concept, pitch and opening lines to make them the strongest possible ‘hook’. Today, Amber Caravéo of Skylark Literary gives three lucky SCBWI authors her professional feedback on their submissions. Submissions were randomly selected from those sent in in July.



Submission 1: The Boy of Orion


Elevator pitch

17-yr-old Carron is abducted and abandoned in a desert town. His memory stolen, he must unravel the inhabitants’ secrets and lies to find his true self, before his assassin father hunts him down.

Opening lines

Chapter 1 Aqamitas
‘Is today a good day to steal a person?’

Governor Calverton closed his eyes, one hand on his battered copy of the Editions.

‘Technically, you stole him yesterday, sir.’

Calverton jumped at the sound of his assistant’s voice, and shoved the almanac under his desk. ‘Gods! You’re always sneaking around. Good morning Godros.’

‘Morning, Governor,’ said Godros, pulling open the shutters fully. ‘I thought you didn’t believe in all that “superstitious nonsense”.’ Fierce sunlight streaked across the customs office. Godros yawned into his hand, but for once he didn’t complain about the early start. The boy would arrive soon, then he would put his own plans into action.

‘I don’t.’ Calverton pushed his hair out of his face. ‘I’m nervous— you should be too.’ He reached up and placed the book back on the shelf, with the other “Es”. ‘Regardless, it’s done and we have business before he arrives. So, put on the tea and let’s get started.’

Amber's feedback

Elevator pitch

This is a great pitch! It instantly positions the book in the market – YA – by giving the age of the protagonist. Mention of an abduction, missing memories, secrets and lies all work to intrigue and hook the reader. And then there’s the mystery of Carron’s ominous father. Why is he an assassin? Why is he hunting Carron down? Why does he feel like a threat to his own son? The best thing about this pitch, though, is the fact that it’s brief and punchy and every single word is working hard! I don’t think there’s a wasted word in the entire pitch. Brilliant! I love it and find myself hoping that the novel will live up to the pitch!

Opening lines

The opening line is fantastic – unexpected and instantly engaging. After setting such a high bar with pitch and opening line, though, the rest didn’t quite live up to those heady heights for me. Why tell us about his ‘battered copy of the Editions’? That won’t mean much to readers who don’t know what the Editions is, so, at this stage in the book, those words are distracting rather than engaging – and opening lines need to be all about engagement! As an adult I’m aware that people used to consult almanacs to determine the best times for activities such as planting, etc. so I’m assuming that the governor was doing the same for ‘stealing a person’ but I’m not convinced that the majority of younger readers will have enough background knowledge to glean this. I’m also a little concerned about the perspective here. It feels as though we’re starting with the governor’s perspective, but then we very quickly switch to Godros. Better to stick clearly with one character’s perspective throughout a chapter (or section). Having said that, there’s a very great deal to like here – the opening is certainly intriguing with hints of secret plans, and, of course, I’m curious to meet ‘the boy’ – but, and I realize I’m being tough here, having read the pitch and the very first line, I believe this author has the ability to write an even more powerful opening page. It may even be worth thinking about opening with the protagonist – since he’s the one with whom the readers will really identify.

Submission 2: Glass Kings

Elevator Pitch

A cyberpunk take on the King Arthur legend. Wart is meant to be King, that's how the story is meant to go, but then someone else draws the sword from the stone...

Opening Lines

This is a story about the unluckiest boy in the world.

His name was Wart. Well, it might as well have been, because that was what everyone called him. His bad luck began just before Christmas. Wart was sitting on the roof of the coal shed in the courtyard of the Prestigious Glass House School for the Exceptionally Gifted. He was wearing only one shoe and it was pouring with rain. The other shoe was sitting in a puddle on the ground in front of him.

Next to the shoe there stood a little girl in a baggy jumper, staring up at him.

“They say it’s haunted.”

Amber's feedback

Elevator pitch

I like that the pitch gives an instant feel for the story: cyberpunk meets Arthurian legend – an interesting mash-up! However, I’d like to have more sense of which age group this story is going to be for. I’m guessing it’s middle-grade (9-12s), but I’d like the pitch to make that clear. Otherwise, this pitch sets the reader up nicely to want to read on, and the last phrase is instantly intriguing!

Opening lines

This is a nice opening. It’s interesting and humorous and I get the impression from the situation and the mention of ‘haunted’ that something exciting is going to happen pretty much straight away – that’s a great way to start a book! If I have any criticism at all it’s that the voice feels quite authorial and I’d like to have less sense of the author speaking to me and more sense of Wart’s own voice/thoughts coming through, because readers will more easily engage with a protagonist of their own age than with an adult author. (That doesn’t mean an author always has to write in the first person, but if using third person then it’s effective to aim for what we call a ‘third person close’ perspective, which means using the third person perspective but sticking closely to the central character’s viewpoint.)


Submission 3: Deleted

Elevator Pitch

Dee has got herself some new problems. Coping with her split up from her boyfriend is one thing but understanding what is happening with her new phone is another. Did she somehow cause Amy’s accident? Has she suddenly gone all psychic? And what will happen now she has deleted 'the new boy on the scene' Tom’s name from her mobile?

Opening Lines

I laughed when I saw the bin sign appear on my new mobile as I deleted Amy’s name. I would have stuffed Amy in a bin for real after all she’d done.

My hints to Dad had worked. He’s a transport consultant and works all over the world. Good thing – he sends home lots of packages containing wacky presents. Bad thing – he’s rarely home. But on Christmas Day there were no strange shadow puppets from Bali or nose flutes from Bolivia; a normal, top of the range, mobile phone smiled up from its box.

Huddled under my downie, completed immobilised by Christmas dinner, I was checking over my contacts. No way was Amy staying on this phone. John had been my first and only proper boyfriend but Amy had fed him twisted half-truths until he didn’t know who or what to believe. So, as I reached Amy’s name I hit the delete button and with a rush of blood that pounded in my head and left my ears tingling, I suddenly imagined her wedged in a big, black bin, her legs waving about.

Like I said, it was what she deserved. And yes, I laughed out loud.

Amber's feedback

Elevator pitch

This pitch isn’t quite doing its job! On the face of it, Dee’s new phone appears not to be working properly – but that’s not very exciting, and it isn’t clear what a dodgy phone has to do with Amy’s accident, or Dee’s anxiety about that accident or, indeed, Dee’s potential psychic abilities. I’m guessing that perhaps there’s something ‘magical’ about the phone that is making Dee think the phone is responsible for Amy’s accident, and therefore that deleting Tom might have big repercussions – but I don’t know if I’m guessing right!? If I am, then that is intriguing and the pitch just needs to do a slightly better job of getting that message across. I feel there are some interesting ideas buried in this story, but the pitch has to put those across in a clear and punchy way and it’s all a little bit fuzzy at present.

Opening lines

Dee’s voice is very immediate, which I like, but it’s not a terribly interesting moment in her life with which to open the book. I suspect there is probably a more exciting point in the story that might make for a better opening scene. The start of a good book should really intrigue and engage readers but this opening feels rather ordinary. There’s also a lot of ‘telling’ going on here. It might be more engaging if we met Amy and saw some of what Dee’s talking about, rather than just being told so much information. I think there’s real potential here that needs to be tapped. I’d like to see the author try to follow that age-old writing mantra – ‘show don’t tell’ – and find ways to really show readers what’s exciting about Dee’s story!

*****

Credit: Amber Caravéo
Amber Caravéo is the co-founder of Skylark Literary, a boutique literary agency that seeks and supports the very best in children’s and YA fiction. Prior to founding Skylark, Amber was  Editorial Director for Orion Children’s Books, where she was privileged to work with a host of prize-winning and bestselling authors such as Caroline Lawrence, Liz Kessler, Juno Dawson and Holly Black. Before that she was Senior Commissioning Editor for Random House Children’s Books after many happy years at Working Partners, where, among other things, she edited and developed the million-copy-selling series phenomenon, Rainbow Magic, she realised that working creatively with authors to produce fantastic books for children was all she ever wanted to do!


*****

Credit: Liz MacWhirter

Liz MacWhirter writes award-winning advertising copy, YA fiction and features for Words & Pictures. Black Snow Falling, her debut novel, is currently on submission through Fraser Ross Associates.
Contact: writers@britishscbwi.org
Follow: @LizMacWhirter
Website: www.lizholt.co.uk

Louisa Glancy is a features editor for Words & Pictures.
Contact: writers@britishscbwi.org
Twitter: @Louisa Glancy




2 comments:

  1. Very insightful and helpful. Thanks to everyone involved

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good examples and explanations why these pitches and first lines work and don't work and how they can be improved. Very useful.

    ReplyDelete

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