OPENING LINES Results from Helen Boyle
Chip Colquhoun gets expert advice from top literary agents and editors to help you tune up your concept and your pitch, and create the strongest "hook". This month's advice comes from Pickled Ink's managing agent, Helen Boyle.
This month we had a total of 13 entries. As promised, three entries were selected at random and forwarded to Helen. You can read the entries and Helen's feedback below.
Meet Helen
When authors seek an agent, they typically hope to find a business partner who can offer expert criticism and encouragement in perfect balance, who has a broad knowledge of potential markets, and who will know how to package their book as attractively as possible for those markets.
As it happens, these are all the skills Helen has accrued in various roles across the world of children's publishing over the last 20 years. She began her career in marketing and publicity with Hodder Children's Books, mastering the art of perfectly packaging titles for sale, before feeling the draw of editorial.
Helen's editorial work included stints as consultant, editor, and reviewer for UK book and magazine publishers, giving her an extensive knowledge of the global children’s book market. She grew her market awareness yet further during her time as a foreign literary scout. Her passion for encouraging readers is evident in the fact that, even today, she edits WRD, a fiction magazine for ages 8–13.
Bringing her skill, passion, and experience to Pickled Ink in 2016, then a boutique agency for illustrators and picture books, Helen was charged with establishing a literary list. Those pleased to be represented by Helen include Amelia Fang's illustrator Laura Ellen Anderson, fantasy author Annaliese Avery, Philip Pullman's cover artist Melissa Castrillón, the irreverent Angela Woolfe, and one of The Dandy's last artists Phil Corbett.
With such a wide range of industry knowledge and awareness, what might Helen say after reading the first 100 words of your manuscript? You might get an idea by reading what she has to say about the entries below...
Submission 1
Title: Grace-Yee’s Swallowed a Cannon
Pitch: Seven-year-old Jay-Seng resents his new sister, who ruins every building phase of Grandad’s tallship. But when she starts school and Grandad is lonely, Jay-Seng must help Grandad complete his model. A chapter book about a biracial family navigating through change.
Helen says...
There’s something very relatable about the arrival of a younger sibling into a family and its impact on the existing child, and a well-drawn child and grandparent relationship is always interesting. But for a chapter book I would normally look for more of a hook or something that could work within a series concept, and with that in mind I’d say you need to make this pitch a bit punchier and stronger, so it really catches an agent’s attention.
Perhaps lean into the main theme – which seems to be change – and begin with that, then briefly share how life is about to change for Jay-Seng and how he feels about that (explaining all the reasons from Jay-Seng’s point of view and in his voice). That could help you get some more emotional and character into this pitch.
Make sure you’ve thought not just about the storyline of book 1, but also where other books within this family set-up could go. With chapter books, agents and publishers are looking for series potential, what the unique hook is, and why the story and family matter to the author and will therefore matter to the bookseller and reader – as well as execution in storytelling, characterisation, and writing. Is this story or set of characters inspired or based on your own experiences growing up or as a family? If so, don’t forget to include that in the pitch and/or query, to give your submission authenticity and integrity.
Opening:
Jay-Seng was slower than usual when he tidied away the blocks. He glanced at the dimming sky and glanced back at Grandad, who was squinting over his wooden sheets.
“What’s wrong, Jay-Seng? Don’t want to go home yet?” Grandad ran his fingers over the wood. “I also like it when you’re here. You’re good at helping me choose the designs.”
“Grandad, when the baby comes along, I might not have time to play with you as I’ll need to help Mummy look after the baby.” Jay-Seng’s mouth curled downwards.
Helen says...
I like that you’re getting some of Jay-Seng’s worries and character into this opening paragraph, as that emotional heart is what’s going to connect with your reader, but I didn’t think the actual opening sentence was that strong. Could you situate your story opener a little more, i.e. where are they, what day, what time is it (after school, or at the weekend etc).
I’d also make it clear what the "blocks" are – I am presuming these are part of Grandad’s tall ship modeling? But at present, they could read like Lego blocks. Similarly, I was also unclear what you meant with the phrase "wooden sheets" when referring to what Grandad is squinting at. And these things could make a reader feel confused at the opening lines. It might be nice to have more of the tallship model as Jay-Seng looks at it? It feels like an interesting hobby, but also a metaphor for much of what is happening in the story and character arcs – am I right?
The use of the "when" in your opening sentence feels a little clumsy as it implies it happened at a time before. Perhaps use ‘as’ instead to make sure it’s clear that it is all happening at the same time?
Remember we want to get a sense of Jay-Seng as a character, as well as your own narrative voice in this opening paragraph, so it sets it up for the rest of the story – and the reader is invested and intrigued to read onwards...
Submission 2
Title: An Angel in Disguise
Pitch: A teenage girl who believes in guardian angels, a boy who wants to hurt her; and a best friend whose guilty secret destroys a friendship. Whose side do you choose when Heaven meets Hell and everything you believe in crumbles?
Helen says...
This pitch is really intriguing; you’ve got angels, heaven, hell, secrets, and a life falling apart, all of which could pique an agent’s interest.
Perhaps the phrase "a boy who wants to hurt her" feels a little too visceral – do you actually mean physical harm, or is it more that he wants to destroy her emotionally? I am not sure at present whether it works being so blatant with his intentions – would it be more sinister to allude to it? Is it more "a boy with dark motives" or "sinister intentions"?
Also, watch the tenses in that first sentence – is it that the guilty secret "could destroy", so it’s written as more of a potential impact and less of a definite? But overall this a strong pitch.
Opening:
They say you never forget your first love.
I want to erase mine.
Permanently.
* * *
I was late for our first date – my first-ever date. Marcus was already there. I forgot how to breathe and my breakfast turned to butterflies as I walked towards him. He flicked a halfsmoked cigarette into the gutter. My steps faltered. He smoked?
He spotted me and waved. I waved back, arranging my face the way I’d practised. A group of people jostled past us as if we were invisible. Just a couple of ordinary teenagers.
Except we weren't.
At least he wasn't.
Helen says…
Bold and striking first sentence, and I liked the staccato of the phrases; it has impact and power, as well as alluding to a sinister undertone. I wonder if you could add to that intrigue by not naming him in that early sentence – at this stage I don’t think the reader needs to know he’s called Marcus, and with the way you’ve written this whole opener, it could have more impact if it just said "He was already there".
I like the "breakfast turned to butterflies" line, but think it is getting slightly lost by not being the end point of that sentence, so perhaps reorder so it reads "As I walked towards him I forgot how to breath, and my breakfast turned to butterflies." This would allow greater impact for a really nicely phrased metaphor.
I felt your main character’s thoughts around him smoking slightly took me out of the moment and the tension you’re building. Do you even need the sentence, "My steps faltered. He smoked?"?
How (and why) is she arranging her face "like [she’s] practised"? I’m not quite sure what this looks like – is it a coy smile, a supposedly alluring look, or are you implying that she’s trying to conceal something? This early in our knowledge of the character, it could be useful to perhaps expand it a little.
I was a little confused about the location and space between the two characters, as you have her walking towards him, and then waving (which implied to me they are still not close) – but then people are jostling around them (which implies they are close together now). So just make sure it makes sense spatially so as not to confuse the reader.
Your last two lines are strong too, but I think you might need a "Well" or an "Or" before the last line for it to truly land with full potential – so it would read "Except we weren’t. Or at least, he wasn’t." But you set up nicely for an intriguing story – your next challenge will be how to move that staccato style and foreboding mood forward into the actual plot, action, and characterisation!
Submission 3
Title: Transportation Tree
Pitch: Oliver and Heather climb a tree in their garden and are transported from Scotland to the Amazon jungle. They meet some scientists, who show them around, explain about conservation and find a way to get the children home.
Helen says…
Lots of potential in this pitch, which is good, but I think you might need to expand on the adventure and peril – so it reads less like a non-fiction or educational book about conservation. Also, I’d try to keep the emphasis on the kid characters, rather than the adult scientists having to help them get home. Give your kids the agency to not only help the land they’ve found themselves in (which is the overarching peril/ threat or danger they encounter) but also in working out how to get home.
Question: Is the Amazon jungle the actual Amazon jungle? i.e. have your kids just transported from Scotland to our world's Amazon, or is it a fantasy, parallel Amazonian world? Either are fine, but I suppose it needs to be clear – especially since the ‘transportation tree’ is a magical portal. But whether or not there is magic or elements of magic in the story, I am not sure where it’s heading. Perhaps add a line at the end about whether it’s an eco-adventure or a magical fantasy, depending on which tilt your story is angled towards.
Personally, I always find it helpful to include character ages in the pitch, but remember throughout the rest of the story to make sure they read like the age they are meant to be.
Opening:
Oliver was bored. The summer holidays were almost ending and nothing exciting had happened. Six weeks. Six! The most fun he’d had was when he had fallen off his bike, straight into a muddy puddle. He had sloshed around a bit, then had pretended to be a mud monster, hoping to terrify people on his way home.
Helen says...
Whilst boredom is definitely a state kids will identify with, I do wonder if overall this is a little too pedestrian as an opener. I’m afraid it didn’t grab me as much as your pitch did. I do like the visual image of Oliver as a mud-monster, but I think for a chapter opener you could look to explore something with a little more impact.
Perhaps you need to locate him in Scotland – is that where he lives, or is he only there on holiday? Has the summer not turned out to be what he expected, or is it just that nothing ever happens to him? Just something that gives the reader a little more to go on. Instead of Oliver being a child who’s bored, could you use the boredom to show how inventive he is? That could show how he’s therefore a pro-active and interesting character to read about, despite there not being anything interesting happening, and might make him a more well-rounded and likeable main character who we want to read more about.
Also, your pitch mentioned Heather – is she his friend or sister? If it’s the latter, then maybe she needs mentioning here. And should the tree get a mention, even if just in passing?
I think successful opening paragraphs needs to have an intriguing element of set-up and/or character introduction, as well as hint at the type of story your reader is in for. At present, all I am getting from this is that he’s bored and has been for six weeks, which isn’t that interesting.
Why not look at where you want to start this adventure to really launch the reader into the story? Particularly for this middle grade audience, with an adventure story you need to really grab their attention with something – whether that’s voice, character or action.
Thank you to everyone who submitted,
and a huge thank you to Helen for her time and feedback!
Our next Opening Lines opportunity will be in October – so get preparing your submissions!
To join SCBWI and take advantage of the many opportunities like this one to be supported in the development and pursuit of your craft – and also find advice on marketing your work, meet fellow writers and artists, and much much more – visit scbwi.org
If you've received feedback from Opening Lines, how did it help you? If it led to you finding an agent or a publisher, please contact us – we'd love to hear your story.
Chip Colquhoun began storytelling for children in 2007 and was asked to write the EU’s guidance on using stories in classrooms in 2015, but became a published children’s writer in 2016 after The History Press commissioned him to write Cambridgeshire Folk Tales for Children. He’s since had 22 books published, most as part of the Fables & Fairy Tales series he co-produces with illustrator Korky Paul (published by Epic Tales), but he's most excited about his latest release for educators: All the Better to Read You With: Stories & Lessons to Inspire Reading for Pleasure. You can find Chip on X and Facebook.
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