OPENING LINES Results from Angharad Kowal Stannus



In Opening Lines, expert advice from top literary agents helps you tune up your concept, pitch, and opening lines to create the strongest ‘hook’. Today, Angharad Kowal Stannus from the Kowal Stannus Agency gives three lucky SCBWI authors feedback on their submissions. 


Angharad is the founder of the Kowal Stannus Agency, a literary agency that represents authors and illustrators of fiction and non-fiction, for adults and children. She spent the first half of her career in international publishing at Simon and Schuster NY before moving to London in 2008 to open the UK arm of agency Writers House. As an American living in the UK, with experience as an agent and a publisher, she offers her clients a unique service and sales perspective. She has worked with Neil Gaiman, Eric Carle, Ken Follett, Christopher Paolini, Ian Falconer, Stephenie Meyer, and Stephen Hawking. Angharad adds, “I’d love to read your book and/or see your illustrations, you can reach me at angharad@kowalstannusagency.com.”


Submission #1


Title Miss Alexandra Twopenny Plays Doctors and Corpses

Pitch

Miss Alexandra Twopenny (11) dreams of becoming a doctor, but in 1853 this is considered ridiculous. After the death of her father, she is determined to realise her ambition, so she runs away to his old school where she pretends to be a young gentleman. Not wanting to attract attention, it doesn’t help when she finds a corpse in a barrel of apple brandy.

Opening Lines
The last time I spoke to my father I told him I wanted to be a doctor. He laughed so much that he choked on his boiled mutton and died at the feet of our footman. When, after a suitable period of mourning, I eventually plucked up the courage to mention it again, I made sure my grandfather was not eating.

‘Girls can’t become doctors, my dear.’

‘Why not? There’s a female doctor in America.’

‘Well, apart from the obvious, you need to go to a good school, then pass the Society of Apothecaries’ examination. Oh.’ He smiled at me indulgently. ‘Did you mean a nurse?’

Angharad's Feedback

Pitch
This is a fantastic pitch – concise, and to the point. The setting, age and ambition of the main character are revealed in the first line. The second line provides the plot, and the third and last line adds some wonderful intrigue and positions this as a murder mystery. This pitch immediately draws me in and makes me want to read the book. It also flows well and feels very natural.

Opening Lines
The opening lines of the story are quick-paced and natural and the voice of the main character (presumably Alexandra) is believable. It’s a little dark that she speaks about her Father dying in such an offhand way, particularly if the protagonist is only 11 years old, as this would mean the readers are probably 10+. However, given that the novel includes a murder mystery, this might be in line with the content, but I would think you’d need to consider the age of the protagonist and the reader. I also wish the opening lines told me a little bit more than I already know from the pitch, that Alexandra wants to be a doctor but it’s considered inappropriate in 1853.

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Submission #2


Title The Eternals

Pitch
When teenage carer Sadie finds out she can live forever, she must find out who leaked information to terrorist organizations The Eternals in exchange for a donor heart for her father - but can she really betray her own kind in the process?

Opening lines
An old man with a young face was about to be hanged outside the cinema. His photograph was splashed across every poster that lined the walls of the crumbling building. I pushed forward through the crowd, my hands gripped so tightly around the handles of Dad’s wheelchair that my knuckles were white. My heels stuck to the gummy concrete.

Angharad's Feedback

Pitch
This pitch leaves me with more questions than answers and unfortunately a little bit confused. Why can Sadie live forever? Who are the Eternals and why are they terrorist organizations? Why does her father need a donor heart and who are her kind? This pitch has the right idea in that it wants to create high action and emotion, but it goes too far in one direction and isolates the reader by asking more questions than it answers.

Opening Lines
The opening lines here have some nice detail which creates an atmosphere of fear and heightened emotion and intrigue. The imminent execution of an old man who has a secret immediately places us in an atmosphere of fear and tension. Her “white knuckles” and the “gummy concrete” are great details that further these feelings. Some of the text is still a little vague for me, for example, I’d like to know what building the “crumbling building” is and where they are, and also why she’s pushing forward into the crowd instead of running away. But I’m intrigued enough to read on.

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Submission #3


Title The Sinister Secret of Kingsley School

Pitch
From President of the Chess Society to slack-jawed in front of X-Factor, something strange is happening to the scholarship students at Kingsley Court. The Demon Headmistress is running a secret programme syphoning intelligence from the scholarship students to make into an IQ enhancing wonder drug to sell to the rich. Two students – a young Boris Johnson (Garth Montague-Brown) and chippy care-kid (Maddy Smith) – are thrown together to investigate.

Opening Lines
Alex plucked a spider from one of his dreadlocks and strained his ears for the sound of movement. Nothing. Only the rattle of rain against the tiles. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the gloom before edging forward. There wasn’t much to see: a row of old lockers; a filing cabinet; a couple of broken brooms; and an empty crate with a nail sticking out. All coated in dirt and dust.

He crept to the end of the corridor and turned left, taking an uneven flight of stone steps to the basement. A glint of silver caught his eye. Alex picked his way past the junk to investigate. He glanced down and froze. There were footprints in the grime and a streak that looked like something heavy had been dragged down the corridor. Could it have been last night? When he’d seen the lights?

Angharad's Feedback

Pitch
I thought the idea behind the pitch was very original - a demon headmistress syphoning intelligent students’ IQ to create a wonder drug to sell to the rich – is something I haven’t come across in 20 years of publishing. The characters felt stereotypical though, to quote the author, “a young Boris Johnson and chippy care-kid”. This characterization felt lazy and stereotypical and put me off. I would caution authors from describing their characters by simply referring to a public figure or pre-existing stereotype. So the premise is good, but I’d like to connect more with the plot and the characters involved.

Opening Lines
It’s great that this begins with action and motion. I’m immediately drawn in and curious what Alex is looking for and what he’s going to find. The presence of the spider in his hair immediately tells me he’s somewhere abnormal and I’m curious to know why. And what’s the glint of silver; was that a body that had been dragged down the corridor? The author asks just the right amount of questions to keep me interested without overwhelming me, and I’m with Alex, walking into that basement. Good job.

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Liz MacWhirter is a feature writer for Words & Pictures and belongs to the SCBWI Southeast Scotland network. Black Snow Falling, an Elizabethan fantasy, is Liz’s YA debut novel, published by Scotland Street Press, and launches in August at the Edinburgh International Book Festival. Agented with Fraser Ross Associates. Contact: writers@britishscbwi.org Twitter and Instagram: @LizMacWhirter Website: www.ljmacwhirter.com Facebook: L.J. Macwhirter

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